I’ve uploaded the second draft of the script here. We had a meeting and most of the directors are planning to shoot in July and August.
Also, Infest Wisely got an entry on IMDB — they’ve been slow to update the credits, so not everyone’s on there yet, but pretty neat! If you care about such things, I welcome you to get an IMDB account and input your credits via “update data”.
(Not sure if it’s too late, but since I finally read it, and have thoughts, here goes: Script notes – 2nd draft.)
I must say, the script really tickles my fancy. There’s lots of politics, scifi, and character kicking around, and the whole angle of the in-world erasing, the product placement vs logo destruction, the baby-makers as home-work-slaves etc – it’s fab.
Anyway, in the framework of how awesome the whole thing is, there’s a few structural suggestions I could make. Keep in mind, I like to throw ideas out there to illustrate what kind of structural tool I’m suggesting, and not necessarily because I think I have the best idea to fit that job.
I think the first act (if that’s what we call it when we’re a bit episodic) needs to speed up. 22 pages of Oscar swiping off logos? Where’s the conflict? Where’s the other characters? We can’t even see the interviewer – the interviewer is so remote, I don’t feel any tension. Maybe this whole section will end up being intercut with the other scenes that happen later, when it comes down to the edit – but maybe not, and I think it’s a bit slow.
Maybe Oscar needs to drag the interviewer into debate – is my job different than yours? Then the interviewer tries to make light, take the talk-radio superior angle (hit the mute button) etc… to keep control.
Maybe Oscar’s kid friend needs to be more pervasive, introduced earlier, and have more conflict with Oscar? And surely, this can all happen in less than 22 pages…. Or, maybe Oscar becomes obsessed with someone in-world – maybe he falls in love? Maybe he follows an old love? Maybe he’s obsessed with looking / NOT looking at his mother? Something cronenberg / egoyan maybe fits in here – the horror and creepiness of the other people’s lives. Mainly we see innoccuous stuff, and though we can imagine the hijinx that actually happens in the 2nd half of the show, we don’t get actual foreshadowing on-screen – i.e. we don’t see a real car-accident that Oscar gets obsessed with etc.
(Another John Brunner reference – there’s a book called “Catch a Falling Star,” a novel in which all humanity lives in biological houses in far-future idyllic times, altered-nature provides food – the only pastime is a “hall of history” where you can follow anything that’s ever happened. People go in and get lost, like drug-addicted, trying to follow the entire life of Henry V’s mistress, for instance, or all his mistresses, or all his dogs, or whatever – they need to see every minute of the life they’ve chosen, even though it’s read-only… it’s quite destructive because they forget their real lives.)
But really, it seems like the GWSJ really gets started with the baby-makers on page 22 – after 22 minutes of screen time, in other words. Those two have tension around the inspection, and in conflicting goals, but it never boils over, or even really gets simmering. Maybe actors will be able to bring this to life – that’s their job. But then things really take off with the two brothers, and that’s the kind of excitement that makes on-screen drama. They disagree on everything, they fight it out in front of the camera. Gary and Karen could do more of this, but of course, it shouldn’t just be the same routine, I want-this-and-you-want-that battle as the silk-gatherers or it will seem formulaic.
And Serena could do with another character to bounce off of as well. Maybe some of the things she tells us – like the debate over getting her eyes fixed (“The eyes were vatgrown sea-green Nikon transplants.”) could take place on-screen.
Maybe we need to see her having gross sex with some guy and mentioning brand names – that’s hot, funny, and conflicty. And maybe she has an extreme shtick – she pretends she’s hot for brand names, she plays it really heavy when she gets the guy alone, she says that’s why she took this job, so the guy gets all suspicious and confused but she’s got his number, she knows what turns HIM on, and so he’s a fly in her web. Ha ha ha, I’m laughing just thinking about it.
(You know about the chick who’s allergic to branding in Virtual Light, right??)
I really like that you brought that angle back in from Everyone in Silico, you know – it’s super good to recycle ideas, greenies that we are.
And I also think the excitement really kicks in when the characters all get together and live in the recording-world. It’s like Avatara, btw – a spooky visit to other people’s world. I wasn’t clear through the first act whether he was doing his scrubbing live, or when the recording took place, or what it exactly was – but I kept imagining someone going back and scrubbing all the logos from Yonge Street in “Goin’ Down the Road,” although that vision comes to me anytime I think of E & O insurance.
http://www.canuxploitation.com/review/downroad.html
http://bp2.blogger.com/_rtOXMZlMTkg/RmOjJNZthlI/AAAAAAAAAeY/M9jnpWICM94/s400/sam_sign.jpg
And a little side note – I think any doc maker worth his salt, especially in voyeur-imperialist land, is going to stick with the grief-struck brother for painful minutes after the jump / fall to the death. What does he do? Does he yell at the camera? Try to climb over and almost fall himself? Drama drama drama, relentless drama, the viewers are eating this stuff up, look at our ratings shoot up! Weeee!